Getting Heavy

Almost exactly 6 years physicists discovered the Higgs-Boson particle, which had been predicted but not proven, and that is awesome. The Higgs-Boson particle is what gives us mass, which is what gives us weight.  And ‘us’ is a big word here.  By ‘us,’ I mean all tangible and theoretically tangible things.  People, notebooks, mats, that…

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Almost exactly 6 years physicists discovered the Higgs-Boson particle, which had been predicted but not proven, and that is awesome. The Higgs-Boson particle is what gives us mass, which is what gives us weight.  And ‘us’ is a big word here.  By ‘us,’ I mean all tangible and theoretically tangible things.  People, notebooks, mats, that bit of cat food the cat knocked out of her dish, the set of temporary tattoo pens my 11 year old absolutely HAD to have or she will die.  By ‘us’ I mean everything.

No Higgs-Boson, no mass.  Yes Higgs-Boson, yes mass.  And since we do have mass we have to have Higgs-Boson, or the physics is all wrong.  Either Higgs-Boson exists and that’s a big deal, or it doesn’t, and that’s actually a bigger deal.

It turns out we live inside of a field called the Higgs Field, sort of like how fish live in water. Just like water surrounds living fish, the Higgs field surrounds us. It permeates us and is fundamental to our existence in much the same way water is with fish.  Its sort of how Obi-Wan Kenobi described the force:


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The force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds and penetrates us. It binds the Galaxy together.

When we look at body of water it’s continuous. It has no holes or breaks, and it takes the shape of its container. That’s how the Higgs Field is. Continuous, unbroken — and freaking everywhere. Inescapable.

OK, one more thing. As continuous and liquidy as water is we know it’s really made up of molecules. Specifically, it’s made up of H2O molecules.  Higgs-Boson is sort of like the H20 of the Higgs Field.  In order to have a Higgs Field, you have to have Higg-Boson particles.

Like most people, I only learned about this when the discovery was announced 6 years ago. When I learned about the actual existence of Higgs-Boson particles I had an epiphany.  A martial arts mystery was suddenly unraveled for me.

See, I have a theory.  I think that Higgs-Boson particles actually come in different strengths.  There’s a small Higgs-Boson which gives things a little mass, a medium Higgs-Boson which gives things a medium amount of mass and a large Higgs-Boson which gives things A LOT of mass.

It’s kind of like dogs — a daschund and a great dane are both dogs but one fits in your purse and the other barely squeezes into your back seat.

One of my favorite training partners was a woman about my size and age.  I love rolling with her because she was good at all the things I was bad at, and I was good at all the things she was bad at.  Maybe she was a little bigger than me — I think she was 5′ 1″ to my 5 almost.  We were only a few years apart in age and we weighed about the same — in the 110 – 115 range.

But, holy cow, if she got you in side control it no longer felt like there was a small woman on top of you.  She felt like a freaking elephant on your chest.  Somehow she could suddenly weigh 450 lbs, and it was all directed at one spot on your chest. The spot that kept your lungs from collapsing.

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Here’s my theory. Contrary to what Ray, Ronnie and Eric will say, I think side control is not so much about spreading your feet, having live toes, pushing through your hips and shoulders. Perhaps that is what side control is for some people, but that’s not what it was for my friend Patti.

I actually think Patti was a secret sorceress of the subatomic variety. When she gets you in side control she magically conjures up all the surrounding Higg-Boson particles and she enlarges them. When she is done the particles are no longer small, medium and large — she turns them all large. Hell, she turns them extra extra large. She may just be the McDonald’s of subatomic physics —- she takes the regular Higgs-Boson particles and supersizes them.

Because the Higgs-Boson are more powerful, what used to be a mass leading to a weight of 113 lbs now is now a mass leading to a weight 413 lbs.  She remains the same size, but quadruples her weight.

I’ve been under her in side control, and I’m sure this is how it works.  As my daughter says “I’m telling the truth.  Actually, I really am.”


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